The Odyssey Times Vol 1, Issue 7

Excerpts from the no-longer-existent Whitsend.org feature called the Odyssey Times.

Originally published on the website around February of 2001.

Classified 

Needed: Odyssey Times paper delivery technicians. Must be able to toss paper at perfect geometric arch onto porch. Call 555-TIME


Special Sale: Modems. Visit Electric Palace between 2:30 and 2:40 on Wednesday for a 2.4% off sale on select model modems. $50 purchase required. Handling fee not included. Sale promotional fee not included.


Needed: Nuclear meltdown suit. If anyone has a cheap nuclear fusion-safe suit, I need one desperately. Not that a nuclear meltdown in the area is imminent or anything…although I did feel a shudder. Call Glenn at 555-9810


Needed: Garbage disposal engineer to carry trash cans each afternoon. Call Aubrey at 555-1238.


To Sell: Extra copies of “Manners for the Socially Challenged” Call David at 555-3842.


For Sale: Goldfish Jar. Only used once, in perfect condition. Call Mandy at 555-3842.


Free to interested parties: Pieces of disassembled “Animatronic Whit.” Sorry, reassembly not possible. Call Eugene at 555-WHIT


For Sale: Slightly used, Toy Surveillance Equipment. Call 555- BART. (Owner reserves right to define “slightly used.”)


Service Offered: It’s Your Perfect Meal, so why not pick the perfect person to bake your cookies? Connie Kendall, with “Cookies by Connie” cookie planning service. Providing all the beauty, all the romance, and all the happiness of a cookie made in heaven. So when it comes to your cookie, come to “Cookies by Connie”.

Missing: Soda can. Empty, but it may have been a clue in the case involving the missing six-pack. Looks similar to other soda cans, but dented on left side. Reward. If found, call Harlow at 555-6875. If not found, don’t call.


Needed: Sleeping bag. Slightly used is fine. So long as it’s not torn anywhere. And just so it isn’t too big or too small. And make sure it’s a pretty color. Call Liz at 555-1102.


For Sale: Kierban Carpets. Fine hand-made rugs and carpets made here in Odyssey. Call 555-9902.


Service Offered: It’s Your Perfect Day, so why not pick the perfect person to plan it? Connie Kendall, with “Dreams by Constance” wedding planning service. Providing all the beauty, all the romance, and all the happiness of a wedding made in heaven. So when it comes to your wedding, come to “Dreams by Constance”.


Free to interested parties: Unused Fun Park tickets. Any season. Call Aubrey at 555-1238.


Available: Left Over Hot Dog Buns from BTV giveaway. Call Bernard at 555-8978.


Wanted: Costumes from Foreign Countries. Costumes will not be damaged (much). Call Alex at 555-2351.


Needed: Places that look like Foreign Countries. Places will not be damaged (much). Call Alex at 555-2351.


Lost: A lamb. Answers to the name of Shawn. Wears wool sweater. Smells of cheese, eats everything. Call Wallace at 555-GRMT. (Do not call if accompanied by metalic or ferocious dog.)

Needed: Shooters for annual mud war. Must be in good condition. Note that shooters cannot be returned in mint condition. Call Pete at 555-3731.


Available: Great Wishy Woz posters. From popular KIDS Radio program. Signed by the major actors. First come, first serve. Call or visit Whit’s End.


Wanted: Bugs of all shapes and sizes. Especially looking for unique bugs. For collection. Bugs will not be harmed, squashed, or emotionally scarred in any way. Call Alex at 555-2351.


Lost: Washing Machine Last seen: On top of my car (when I was bringing it home from the repair shop on 3rd street) If found, call Harlow at 555-6875.


For Sale: Earrings of all shapes, sizes and colors. Call Sarah at 555-2341.


For Sale: Porridge Blaster and Techno-Trousers. Call Gromit at 555-WLCE.


Lost: Blue shirt Last seen: In the washing machine on top of my car. If found, call Mr. Doyle at 555-6875.


Huge Sale on Cat Calls at Electric Palace. We’re overstocked. Your loss is our gain. Only $3.99 with applicable $15.00 handling fee. Call us at 555-BART.


Lost: 10 feet of rope Last seen: Around the washing machine on top of my car. If found, call H.D. at 555-6875.


Wanted: Guests for popular local talk radio show “Candid Conversations with Connie.” Call Connie at 555-WHIT.


Needed: Volunteers for study. Must be 18 years old and of sound mind and body. Call 555-NOVA.

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