The Odyssey Times, Vol 1, Issue 8

Excerpts from the no-longer-existent feature called the Odyssey Times. Originally published around February of 2002.


Temperature looks like it will be going up and up and up and up and up this week. It will be sunny and warm every day.

Note: Bill, our weatherman, is on vacation this week, so his friend Ted is filling in for him.
The forecast consists of what Ted hopes will happen and is not necessarily based on any scientific data.


Needed: Thrust. Chickens need to fly, but they don’t have thrust. Call Rocky at 555-9284.

For Sale: Miniature Surfboards. Useful for riding sand dunes with ants. Giant ants not included. Call Dylan at 555-2728.

Available: Slightly damaged ion blaster. Power gauge goes to 11. Call Emperor Zurg at 555-ZURG.

Wanted: New microphone. Needed for on-location reporting. Call top reporter Frankly Right at 555-NEWS.

Available: Triatoma Antidotes. Triatoma is very dangerous and could possibly be fatal. You won’t be sorry. Come to the Electric Palace for your limited time antidote. (May not necessarily be effective. Cost could go up at owner’s discretion.) Call the Electric Palace at 555-BART.

STILL AVAILABLE: Extra copies of “Manners for the Socially Challenged” Call David at 555-3842.

Found: Rope. Approximately 10 feet. Looks like shoelace knot was used. Call 555-2732.

For Sale: Mrs. Tweedy’s Chicken Pies. It’s the woman’s touch. Call the Tweedys at 555-3401.

Needed: Window Washing Job at Odyssey Commerce Building. Must be able to wash windows. Cannot be afraid of heights. Call Bernard at 555-8978.

Missing: Ukulele, Bowling Ball, and Laptop Computer. Last seen at Whit’s End with Connie, Dylan, and Jesse. Call Eugene at 555-3141.

For Sale: Interactive Media class. Experience needed. PageMill or Dreamwever. Call Kathy at 555-7894.

Needed: Attitude Adjustment. Call Rodney at 555-2278.

Found: Washing machine. Contents: Blue shirt, assorted Daniel Boone paraphernalia. In the vicinity of 3rd street. Call 555-6785.

For Sale: Digital Camera. Only been stolen once. Call Whit’s End at 555-WHIT.

Found: Mouse. Looks new. Tail slightly frayed. Owner will have to answer serious questions. Call Harlow at 555-6875.

New Odyssey Times reporter. Jerry Phillips resigned after interview with Harlow Doyle. Call the Times at 555-TIME.

For Sale: Green ant ranch. Ants sold separately. Some ants will not like ranch and demand larger home. Call Jesse at 555-2728.

For Sale: Cell phone. Damaged beyond repair. Has been through fire, dipped in highly-toxic window washing fluid, and smashed on the street. Call Bernard at 555-8978.

Lost: $3 in change. Somewhere in the vicinity of Al’s Toy Barn. Could be in elevator shaft. Beware of Zurg. Call Hamm at Andy’s house at 555-3254.

Needed: Answer to riddle. WHAT DOES “I SLAP FLOOR” MEAN???????? I’m desperate! HELP ME!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! Call Bethany at 555-3874.

Help Wanted: New home needed for simple prospector. No longer interested in continual makeovers. Call Stinky Pete at 555-2847.

Needed: Cure for procrastination. I can never finish anything I sta


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