Excerpts from the no-longer-existent Whitsend.org feature called the Odyssey Times. Originally published around February of 2002.
The word from our meteorologist is that it will be warm all week. But Tom Riley’s horses have been acting very strangely lately and we all know what that means.
Letters to the Editor:
This letter is to protest Novacom. The people at Novacom have no decency. What they call quality programming, I call a slap on the head.
My poor boy, Rodney has gotten suspected from school three times since Novacom has moved to town and he usually only get suspected twice in a whole year.
And have you seen their TV shows? I mean the very idea that they would hire so-called “professional actors” to be in their shows when some of our local people have more talent than their kitchen sink is beyond me.
Dear Odyssey Times:
I’m very confused. I don’t really know where Odyssey is, so I think I know a way to figure it out. Please tell me. What state is this newspaper in?
Not a Clue
Dear Not a Clue:
Depending on when you picked up the newspaper, it could be in a few various states. If it was fresh off the stack, it was probably in a very crisp state. If it was raining out, the paper could have been in a very wet state. Generally we try not to be in a state of confusion.
|Needed: Place to store “stuff.” I don’t know where it all came from. It just showed up. Call Joseph Graham at 555-2454.
Help wanted: Build the Novacom for Kids website. Get paid to watch TV and review our programs! Call 555-NOVA.
Needed: Two participants to test new Room of Consequence Adventure. Come by Whit’s End anytime.
Needed: Some one to help move boxes. Soon preferable to later. Call Connie at Whit’s End. 555-WHIT.
Wanted: Personal paintings for display in Treasure Room. Exhibit locally. Call Whit’s End at 555-WHIT.
For Sale: Miniature Surfboards. Useful for riding sand dunes with ants. Giant ants not included. Call Dylan at 555-2728.
Needed: Cure for procrastination. I can never finish anything I sta
Bonanza Scratch and Dent Sale: Fireworks, some barely used! Call Electric Palace at 555-BART.
|For Sale: Banana Manny suit. In perfect condition, never used. Call Bob Larry at 555-8344.
Needed: Pencil Sharpener repair person. Mysterious object stuck in electric sharpener. Call 555-NOVA.
Needed: Way to get past level five of Insectoids. I’ll do anything! It’s driving me crazy. Call Dylan at 555-2728.
Help wanted. Community relations representative for Novacom Broadcasting. Call for details. 555-NOVA.
Sale on Yellow Tulips. This week only. Flower arrangements available. Call Crystal’s Gift Shop at 555-7824.
Needed: Window Washing Job at Odyssey Commerce Building. Must be able to wash windows. Cannot be afraid of heights.
Needed: Attitude Adjustment. Call Rodney at 555-2278.
BTV Camera Grip. Needs to know what a “grip” is. Call Bernard at 555-8772.
|Wanted: BIG band-aids. Call Hank Foufou at Foufou’s Obedience School, 555-6578.
Coming soon! Free performances of the greatest works of Shakespeare. Call the Harlequin at 555-2387.
For sale: Executive Pens, Mugs & Calendars with Novacom/BTV Logos. Cheap! Call Bernard at 555-8978.
Now Available at Whit’s End: Gourmet espresso. Stop by for a try!
Reduced Price! Rathbone’s Parachuting Service. Three jumps for the price of one. If we don’t get it right on the first try, we’ll try, try again. Call the Electric Palace at 555-BART.
Needed: People to help me move. No large boxes! Please call Mitch at 555-5197.
Needed: Exotic animals of all kinds. We can take any! Call Lisa at 555-7254.
New Odyssey Times reporter. Jerry Phillips resigned after interview with Harlow Doyle. Call the Times at 555-TIME