Tag: Vol

The Odyssey Times, Vol 1, Issue 12

Excerpts from the no-longer-existent Whitsend.org feature called The Odyssey Times.

Found: Guitar. In rubble at site of new Whit’s End. Six pieces, two strings. Call Pete’s Construction Service at 555-6546.


We’re Available! We’ll be in your corner! We’ll fight for your rights. No cases is too weird. Call Crowe, Jorg, and Beeboff at 555-8482.


Come to the community meeting to protest Whit’s End Oswald Height s. Keep them out so we can get our community center! Come Thursday night at 5:00 p.m.


Wanted: Partner to juggle with. Partner who won’t break glass. Call Sarah at 555-8412.


Needed: Ear plugs. For use during Nick Mulligan’s guitar lessons. Call Lisa at 555-5361.


Needed: Guitar lessons. Nick Mulligan. I’m pretty good, but need some expertise to guide my free artist spirit. Needed: Guitar lessons. Call Nick at 555-5361.


For Nick Mulligan. He’s pretty desperate. Call Lisa at 555-5361.


Help Wanted. Just ’cause.

Found? Unknown item. Unknown dimensions. Unknown origin. Unknown where found. Call if you think that it could possibly be yours.


Please sign petition. Rats are moving out of Oswald Heights. Call 555-7823.


Help Wanted: Assistant for Gantry’s Printing Services. Must be able to typeset and work with graphical layout. Call 555-0010.


Sale on lights. All sizes. Guaranteed to last longer than the other lights we sell. Come to the Electric Palace TODAY!


Wanted: Partner to baseball with. Partner who won’t break glass. Call Alex at 555-8142. For sale: Piece of glass from scene of famous Odyssey crime. Call Rodney at 555-8124.


Needed: Models for Virtual Mingle Room. To be made into wax statues. Don’t apply unless you can stand in the same position for at least eight hours. Call Ricky at 555-NOVA.


Help Wanted: BTV Camera Grip. Needs to know what a “grip” is. Call Bernard at 555-8772.

Needed: Business to move into Carnegie and Bristol. Whit’s End moved elsewhere. Building still available. Call George Paxson at 555-2841.


Available: Pete’s Construction Service. For all your building needs. We won’t cheat you out of house and home. Call 555-2735.


Needed: Stopwatch. Must have start and stop buttons clearly intact. Simple to operate, please! Call the Harlequin at 555-4633.


Wanted: Partner to laugh with. Partner who won’t break glass. Call Rodney at 555-8124.


Needed: Homework help. Give me the address and I’ll drop it off for you to do. Call Rodney at 555-8124.


Coming soon! Free performances of the greatest works of Shakespeare. Call the Harlequin at 555-2387.


Needed: Box mover. Preferably of the Robin Hood type. Come by Whit’s End. Soon preferable to later. See Connie for details.


Wanted: Editorial assistant to class up the classified currently lacking in coolness.

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The Odyssey Times, Vol 1, Issue 11

Excerpts from the no-longer-existent Whitsend.org feature called The Odyssey Times.

Dear Editor,

Thank you for providing such insightful and informed news, unlike some other news outlets in your area. I’m writing this letter to simply point out an insulting comment made on a local radio station recently. The show was talking about the new Whit’s End that was being built in Connellsville. Then they quoted some slouch who said something like, “They have no idea what they’re doing. This is Oswald Heights, not Nice Valley Falls.”

With all due respect to whatever his name was, I don’t think that the name Nice Valley Falls should be thrown around like a football. NVF is a great place to live and I don’t like it when people use our name as some sort of a “throwaway.” I don’t think that Mister what’s-his-name would have made his comment if he could he visited our fair town.

Sincerely yours,
Goody Tooshuze from Nice Valley Falls

Dear Odyssey Times,

I recently read an article in The Odyssey Owl that I understand you’ll be reprinting today in your paper. The article is about the miniature golf record that was recently broken. The article is all about Mandy Straussberg and how she broke the record, but it barely mentions Alex Jefferson, who broke the record after it stood for more than 30 years.

Moreover, the article doesn’t mention me at all. I was the one who faithfully stayed at Alex’s side and gave him updates on his score throughout the game. I was the one who called a crowd over to watch Alex while he putted. I was the one gave Alex tips, especially on the horrible waterfall hole (number 18).

I just wanted to make sure there’s credit where credit is due.

Disappointed,
Nathaniel Graham

The Odyssey Times, Vol 1, Issue 11

Excerpts from the no-longer-existent Whitsend.org feature called The Odyssey Times.

Monday
Seasonal winds can be expected in the usual places with characteristic temperatures dominating most of the day until sunset.

Tuesday
Temperatures will be in Fahrenheit and Celsius today. Dress accordingly.

Wednesday
Sunrise predicted for this morning, and not a moment to soon.

Thursday
Depending on whether you think the glass is full or empty, the day’s weather will be pleasant or painful.

Friday
Clouds are expected today. Be sure to watch for shapes in the clouds.

The Odyssey Times, Vol 1, Issue 10

Excerpts from the no-longer-existent Whitsend.org feature called The Odyssey Times.

 

Snow is predicted for Monday and Tuesday. More snow will fall Wednesday. Thursday will get even more snow. Friday we’ll get more of the white stuff.

Wanted: Partner to juggle with. Partner who won’t break glass. Call Sarah at 555-8412.


Needed: Day timer. Preferably with DAYS OF THE WEEK on it. See Connie at Whit’s End.


Wanted: Short-term help for Timothy Center get-together. Call Tom at 555-7844.


Needed: Ear plugs. For use during Nick Mulligan’s guitar lessons. Call Lisa at 555-5361.


Needed: Guitar lessons. Nick Mulligan. I’m pretty good, but need some expertise to guide my free artist spirit. Needed: Guitar lessons. Call Nick at 555-5361.


For Nick Mulligan. He’s pretty desperate. Call Lisa at 555-5361.


Help wanted: Build the Novacom for Kids website. Get paid to watch TV and review our programs! Call 555-NOVA.


Wanted: Personal paintings for display in Treasure Room. Exhibit locally. Call Whit’s End at 555-WHIT.


Bonanza Scratch and Dent Sale: Fireworks, some barely used! Call Electric Palace at 555-BART.


Help Wanted: Adults to supervise “Read Me a Story Time” at Mary’s Story Shop. Call the shop at 555-6279.


Needed: Judges for “freestyle standup synchronized sledding” competition on Gumper’s Hill. Call 555-8943.

Wanted: Partner to baseball with. Partner who won’t break glass. Call Alex at 555-8142.


For sale: Piece of glass from scene of famous Odyssey crime. Call Rodney at 555-8124.


Free Performance in the Park! Hamlet…with the esteemed actor Edwin Blackgaard preforming! This Saturday!


For free! Extra ice cream at Whit’s End. (We ordered too much.) Come by anytime!


Wanted: Cool name for Novacom Kids Center. We want your ideas! Call Ricky at 555-NOVA.


Needed: Models for Virtual Mingle Room. To be made into wax statues. Don’t apply unless you can stand in the same position for at least eight hours. Call Ricky at 555-NOVA.


For Sale: Banana Manny suit. In perfect condition, never used. Call Bob Larry at 555-8344.


Needed: Pencil Sharpener repair person. Mysterious object stuck in electric sharpener. Call 555-NOVA.


BTV Camera Grip. Needs to know what a “grip” is. Call Bernard at 555-8772.


Now Available at Whit’s End: Gourmet espresso. Stop by for a try!


Come to the new Bible Study. Led by Mitch and Connie. Stop by J & J Antique Gallery on Wednesday evenings.

Wanted: Partner to laugh with. Partner who won’t break glass. Call Rodney at 555-8124.


Needed: Gavel. See Connie at Whit’s End. (I know the difference between a gavel and a meat hammer.)


Needed: Homework help. Give me the address and I’ll drop it off for you to do. Call Rodney at 555-8124.


Help Wanted: Part time worker for Novacom Kids Center. Technical expertise a plus. Call Ricky at 555-NOVA.


Help Wanted: Some of the apple crop ripened early. Way early! Help pick apples. Refreshments provided. Call Tom at 555-7844.


For free! Signs that say “The W. E,” including big sign from out front. Stop by Whit’s End or call 555-9448.


Wanted: BIG band-aids. Call Hank Foufou at Foufou’s Obedience School, 555-6578.


Coming soon! Free performances of the greatest works of Shakespeare. Call the Harlequin at 555-2387.


Needed: Exotic animals of all kinds. We can take any! Call Lisa at 555-7254.


Needed: Box mover. Preferably of the Robin Hood type. Come by Whit’s End. Soon preferable to later. See Connie for details.


Wanted: Editorial assistant to class up the classified currently lacking in coolness.